


Elf Criminals

by JadeTheThief



Category: Dice Funk Podcast D&D Campaign
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-07 00:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18862495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeTheThief/pseuds/JadeTheThief
Summary: Funny story: After Dice Funk season 1 made a point of referencing fans, I got very excited when Joan appeared in season 2, expecting she would turn out to be Jade.  As a result, I always identified with her a little too much.





	Elf Criminals

“I cannot believe we pull that off!” Joan exclaimed, voice thick with her drowish Russian accent.   
Jade chuckled in agreement. “Hey, if you’re gonna steal, steal the best.” She spun the ship’s wheel, heading eastward.  
“Glittergold Two, ze president’s own wessel.” Joan shook her head, smiling broadly. “You, my dear elf, have got balls.”  
“Actually, I don’t,” Jade smirked, setting the autopilot.  
“Very true, very true.” Joan laughed, clapping Jade’s shoulder. “Women always do better, yes?”  
Jade grinned, feeling warm at the touch of the drow’s hand on her bare shoulder. Suppressing a blush, she nodded to the cargo hold. “Want to check on the goods?”  
“Certainly,” Joan gestured for her to lead on. “Celebration is best part of victory.”  
Descending the gold-plated staircase, Jade knelt by the bolted door and pressed a pointed ear to it, listening carefully as she picked the lock. Joan looked on, arms folded, appearing very dignified in her formal suit jacket and slicked-back white hair. The pins clicked into place and the lock popped open. With a grin, Jade turned the knob and pushed the door open. “I present to you, the President’s Quarters.”  
The two elves entered to find a finely carpeted room, with walls adorned with tapestries and golden treasures and ornaments lining the walls. The centerpiece at the back of the room was a luxurious queen-sized bed, bordered by red silk curtains held aloft by four statues depicting gnomish heroes.  
Giddy with excitement, Jade glanced at Joan who, despite her usual dignified posture, had a look in her eyes reflecting similar glee. Nudging her playfully, Jade ran into the room, poring through miniature jewelry chests filled with gold and silver rings. Joan strolled into the room at a more measured pace, examining the tapestries with an artisan’s care.  
Fingers covered in rings, Jade crept behind Joan and placed a gold circlet on her head. Eyebrows arched, Joan tilted her head just enough to see Jade out of the corner of her eye. “Having fun, mm?”  
Jade laughed, untying her green scarf and flinging it carelessly aside. “I’ve always dreamed of finding a haul like this, but it’s never actually happened until now.” Twirling across the room, she allowed herself to fall backwards onto the bed, surprised by how soft it was. Raising her hands, she admired the jeweled rings, glimmering in the warm torchlight.  
Joan sat down gingerly beside her, staring at the rings as well. “It is… quite beautiful, yes?”  
“Mm…” Jade smiled and closed her eyes, feeling relaxed for the first time in years.  
Reaching down, Joan began to gently stroke Jade’s ears. “We are both thieves, yes? Strong, resourceful women who get what we want.”  
“Mmm…” Jade nodded, leaning into Joan’s touch.  
“We are partners,” Joan leaned down, kissing Jade’s ear. “But perhaps we could be more?”  
Jade smiled, glancing up at the drow. “I’d like that.” She craned her head up, planting a kiss on Joan’s dark lips.


End file.
